How to Help Others Seek Help

A colleague recently asked me to include the topic of how to "get people to get help" in my reorganizing presentation.

In the past, my answer has always been to not even recommend seeking help. Reorganizing is so personal, emotional, and often intense, that I did not believe that it could be pursued for the sake or recommendation of others. However, I have seen families torn apart due to clutter and behavior surrounding clutter.

I contacted my friend who is a psychoanalyst. Explaining that I only recommend him to people if they openly indicate a need, I wondered if the same was possible for reorganizing. The difference was, I thought, that people more often have their own agenda when they recommend that a friend or parent get a Reorganizer. That is, a person will say to his/her spouse, "You're a mess. I can't take it. You need help." How awful, I had thought, and thus discouraged it.

My psychoanalyst friend gave me some great advice.

There are two ways to help someone close to you think about getting help:

1. Stay with his(/her) emotions.

If your husband says he can't take it anymore, don't judge or insist that he work with a Reorganizer, just stay with his frustration, his overwhelm. As my friend put it, this could take a long time, and the person might never ask for help, but it is a form of support. However, he might eventually confide in you that he does need help, knowing that you are trustworthy, supportive, and do not push him to change.

2. Talk about yourself.

If your partner lives in such a way that is becoming unbearable to you, explain that to her. Talk gently about how frustrated and overwhelmed you are becoming. If she becomes defensive, explain that you can talk about her feelings later, but right now you her to understand your feelings. Don't speak about her changing to please you or to help herself, but simply about your own difficulties which have been created or magnified by her clutter.

The dynamic of couples is very complex. One thing is certain, though. Clutter is often an unpleasant thorn in the health of relationships.

I welcome your comments!